Practice and Research - Feedback Point 3: Dealing with frustration through random play

After my last post, I had resolved to try and tackle my frustration by letting go and playing. I had my third catch-up with my tutor not long after (at the end of May) - and as you can tell, I am writing this in November. Things have not gone to plan. It makes writing things up so much more difficult; I barely feel like I can remember the conversation with my tutor, although I do remember it was positive.

I felt like I had not really done very much practically - but had been thinking a great deal and trying to deal with topics that (to me, at least) feel big; fundamental. I ended up frustrated again, for the most part. The frustration can often turn into anxiety, which paralyses me. I spin around in a vicious circle of inaction, recrimination and doubt. It is, frankly, exhausting.

Part of the exploration I had done continued to be a consistent choice to stop and notice the things I liked most about other artwork. I feel guilty when I do this - a voice in my head tells me that I should be translating this into my sketchbook. However, I consider this conscious effort to be a form of mental sketching: I catalogue and assimilate what I see. I take notice of shape, light and colour, and I find that when I next come to have to draw or render those things, I have a much better mental image in my head of how those things work and are seen in the real world.

I also tried to spend time using my sketchbook in a less directed way. My son had been given a set of acrylic markers, and after using them, I found them an engaging way to add bold colour to my sketchbook. I got myself my own set and used them in conjunction with a drawing prompt game I had gotten some time ago called the Chaotic Draw Along. This allowed me to detach somewhat from worrying about what to draw and focus on the fun problem-solving aspect instead.

This was fun, and I wondered if leaning into media and stories I enjoy might give me a sense of enjoyment, too. I tried to do a drawing in my sketchbook of a "Big Daddy" from the "Bioshock" video games. I did this entirely without reference and realised that my ability to draw the way I wanted to from just memory was deficient. The frustration started to creep back in.

I tried to switch quickly to a warm-up exercise of adding faces to blob shapes - something the acrylic pens helped with a lot. I enjoyed this distraction: some of the images have an interesting mid-century quality I like, and I think it was good for me to lean more into my silliness.

So I went back to some more Chaotic prompts and leaned into the playfulness again. You can also see where I did a quick portrait sketch to try and firm up my observational drawing. I wasn't happy with it, and while I know I should have been kinder with myself for things not being perfect, I am proud of myself for having enough positive self-talk to be able to just leave it and move on. I then iterated on trying to practice my observational drawing by doing some timed life drawing using a few dedicated online resources.

This was about the point I had got to when I discussed things with my tutor. My full recollection of the conversation is, as I mentioned, clouded. I came away hopeful and with a sense of direction to lean into things that interest me. The strongest pull I had was the way worldbuilding fuelled my imagination, and I had an idea for a tight and directed project that would allow me to explore this more. As you will see in my next posts, this didn't go the way I wanted either.

I will wait for my tutor's comments and recollections of our last conversation. Hopefully, it will jog my memory a bi,t and I can reflect more on this stage of the module.